A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
☠️ ☠️
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
And that about sums it up.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.