A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
here we go again
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
the events of babygirl are so interesting to me. i wish new york was real
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..