A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
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20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.