Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner

Funeral Home Director: please leave.

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH