Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

I hate when interviewers ask a second place finisher about not coming in first but I love this response from Andreas Reiterer.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

A leaf blower, but for people.

I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

i love meeting boys on tinder

if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:

Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.