Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*