Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

can’t catch a break

dutch so unserious

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues