A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
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RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Why is everyone getting married at me
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
weaknesses
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful