you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
You can’t rush stupid.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Breaking news:
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens