A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.