A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job