A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume