A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
So the ex texted me
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
こいつ天才
