A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Merica.
