A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶