A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.