A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.