A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
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My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
u spoke cat all this time??????
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
How to draw a duck
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
The news is so predictable nowadays
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!