Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Duck typos.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

You’re not my real can

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.