Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*

-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?

dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*

Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?