A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I have to consciously stop myself from ending all my work calls with “love you bye”
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
yeah not falling for this one
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I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN