Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

Ok who’s got my black socks?

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.