A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old