Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

the chicken was already gone when I got here

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more