A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Covid like
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater