A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I only eat vegetarians.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I love this❤️😁👍
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Cashiers are always checking me out
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.