Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been