A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Not today. 😅
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!