A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
You Might Also Like
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me if I was a dog
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.