A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
There is no “we” in pizza
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.