Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

Oh hi lol

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.

Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.