Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

Choose your fighter

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

[Driving]

HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!

ME: Jealous?

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup