A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
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“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes