A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.