A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
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Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Cannot stop laughing at this
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this