Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Six Flags: *opens first theme park

Five Flags: We should have seen this coming

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project

boss: what about blood

disguised vampire: huh?

boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right

disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?