Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

LOL!

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…