Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]

Me: who do we eat first

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.