a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
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I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Saturday
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
