a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.