a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

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I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.


Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”


*murderer looking for me*
Murderer: I’m just a poor boy nobody loves me…
Me under bed: *cry sings* He’s just a poor boy from a poor family


Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.


Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.


Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.


*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?


A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.


My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.