@behindyourback

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

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@UnFitz

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

@Ty_Schutz

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

@no_el_la

“feed the cat”

– boring
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore

“fatten the beast”

– interesting
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due

@Marlebean

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

@jonnysun

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

@shessoken

🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today

@rachelle_mandik

most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you

@panmidwest

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

@TheWidowmakerX

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages