If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
“feed the cat”
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore
“fatten the beast”
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy