a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
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Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Donāt tell me. Is it 4?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
āFINISH HIM,ā I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Finding a synonym for āuneasyā? That wonāt be difficult
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, weāre out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth š
Welcome to middle age. āI carried a watermelonā has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: You know what they say, āsticks and stones may break my bones-ā
Doctor: Yes thatās exactly what happened.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, itās my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[walking into a gym]
me: iām looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! šššš
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Iāve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food theyāre selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.