Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:

-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.