Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Brb my Sims are getting married

I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

Oh hi lol

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*