On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
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[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I am drinker.
Hear me pour.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2
i had to discipline my pet rock
so yes i have hit rock bottom
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”