@Mr_DrEsquire

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

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@TeaAndCopy

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

@ThugRaccoons

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

@Tommytoughstuff

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

@ComedicBust

New Years Resolutions:
1. Lose weight
2. Volunteer work
3. Lie about 1 and 2

@fro_vo

i had to discipline my pet rock

so yes i have hit rock bottom

@AmishPornStar1

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

@ramblinma

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”