@Mr_DrEsquire

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

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@saltymamas

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

@Beardson

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

@Phook75

It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name

@Marlebean

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

@VallyOfTheLilly

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

@sofarrsogud

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

@GrantTanaka

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

@shegotagronk

Every time my gf stays over we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs 99% of the bed while I’m in the floor hanging on for dear life.