A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
You Might Also Like
Had to try this trend 😊
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France