@Mr_DrEsquire

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

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@Fene2208

Card is declined.
Waiter in a very loud voice:”Excuse me ma, ur card was declined” a few heads turn.
Me:I jst used d card. Pls try again”
Waiter tries again. Payment goes thru
Me: “pls maintain d energy.Say it loud dt my card was accepted”. A few heads turn again. I’m satisfied

@daemonic3

[Easter Sunday]

Who wants to try my Easter bunny microbrew?

“Dad, don’t”

With extra HOPS!

“Dad, stop”

Happy YEASTER!

[Uncle Ted pukes]

@DurtMcHurtt

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

@david8hughes

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

@atanya1111

Husband: are you cooking something?
Me: of course not
Husband: the oven timer just went off
Me: oh yeah, take the wine out of the freezer

@JediGigi

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

@Rlpihl

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

@ramenfuneral

when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something

@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.