A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Wolves should really raise more people.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
No regrets in 2018
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
