A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
When you kidnap a writer.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Yes 😂
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
