A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
#SuperBowl
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous