A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?