A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.