A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know