A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Breaking news:
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again