A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
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It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Catering service
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.