Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

This is the one

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me: