a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
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Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.