A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
You Might Also Like
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
buys donuts instead
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.