Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*