Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time