A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
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*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
This a good idea
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.