A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
You Might Also Like
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.