A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I have no passwords left in me
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.