A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
My dad told my daughter she was the best duster ever then leaned in to me and whispered “if you tell kids they’re amazing at the chore they don’t bitch about doing it” and suddenly I’m questioning if I really was the most amazing weed-puller he ever saw
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.