Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”

Theskywithdiamonds

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…

On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Friend: Please excuse her, she forgot to take her meds today.
Me, on the ceiling: Oh, like they can tell.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.