A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
You Might Also Like
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I’m crying im so happy for them
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.