A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club