A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?