A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes