A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
There are usually two types of merchants.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Smells like a challenge to me
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.