A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
car not found
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.