A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
You Might Also Like
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Clients after you give them your rates
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover