A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess