A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
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My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME