Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

if a cop pulls u over play dead

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”